This is jasmine lemon tea by Tea Forte, it’s delicious and I love it. A birthday gift that reminds me every time I pick a tea that I matter to someone else and they matter to me.
When I got sick I had various healers helping me, they all mattered to me, they helped me to talk, to walk, to trust myself again. I still learn every day to trust myself. Now that I am on my own I let myself down a lot. I look at you my Patrons as my new healers, helping me along the way forging my way through this path. You believe in me, you keep me going and help me to continue to be accountable and your push helps me to continue to follow my dreams.
This has been scary for me, I used to be so focused but with my brain not being the same as it used to be my ideas are scattered around all over the place. I hope in time it will get better.
The scary thought in my head is I don’t know where I will be in 3-5 months let alone a year to 5. I always hated that question where do you see yourself in 5 years? I’m trying to survive In this world, what kind of question is that?
I wish I had goals that would stick and a path that seems clear but nothing right now seems clear. Every idea I have seems like it’s a huge risk and I’m afraid to fail, afraid to be vulnerable and I just want to crawl in a tunnel and hideaway. I know I can’t that’s just how it makes me feel.
I’ve been playing with design again, I’ve been learning how to draw with my Apple Pencil, it’s different but also a lot of fun. So yesterday I sat doodling taking lessons on “how to draw” learning how to manipulate lines to curve and be less sketchy and more vector-like. While I’ve been sketching I have been listening to the words of Amanda Palmer her new book “The Art of Asking” what I love about her is that she never stops, she keeps going and I want to be more like her, I want to take more risks, I want to keep going and keep trying and keep being true to myself.
I wish I could give myself pep talks like I give other people, if I could I would do just what I did to Timmy last week. I would look me in my eyes grab my face and say “If someone says no, you brush it off and walk up to someone else and ask them and you keep going until someone gives you a chance and you don’t stop until you get that fucking chance.” It is what I’m learning from Amanda how she has thrived by being ok with people saying “no”
What is in my heart is to help people, this is all I know. The details are blurry. My fear of the world seeing me as this stupid dork with no talent is huge, why do I even care? I guess the only way to continue with anything is to just keep going, risk it all.